My New NeedHello Doctor, I hope you’re doing well. I’ve got good news. My doctor submitted her approval for the first SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). Since I’m not responding very well to HRT I’ll be castrated so that my breasts will hopefully respond. I’m thinking of trying to have it done online. I think I would be able to get a lot of people to watch and pay $100. to watch. I know that this is kind of long but I’ve been writing it for a few days now, and it is as much for me to kind of work things out in my head. I hope you don’t mind me using you as a listener.I was just going to tell you that I went back and let Dack cane me again but I’ve been writing on EP as a kind of therapy, like when I go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. So I decided to write as much as I can remember about my feelings and what was going on inside my head. I’m a waitress and I have to work weekends (it’s when I make the most in tips). Anyway I called Dack and he told me to come to this pool room/video arcade/bar/and restaurant. When I walked in I saw him sitting at a table with 2 couples. I walked over and stood across from him and he told the couples that I was in his some of his classes at UCSD. He then asked me what I wanted. I had made up my mind I was going to do what he asked, but my throat suddenly became very dry. He asked me if there was something I wanted and I then did as he wanted. I begged him to cane me like he did before. The couples at the table kind of giggled and laughed at me. He told me sure he would but it would cost me a hundred dollars. Luckily I had seen one of my regulars the night before and the day before that I had made $175.00 in tips. I worked a large party where I work. I was floored by this and then he added, “There’s an ATM right over there. I had gone to far to stop now and I went and got the money and came back and he told me to come around the table and to kneel at his feet. I didn’t care if anyone saw me or not. I begged him to cane me and I gave him the money. He stood up and said, ok and we walked out together to the laughing and giggling from the 2 couples at the table. I followed him to his house in my car and he led me to what he calls the punishment parlor. When I walked in I began to sort of tremble a little and he took my purse setting it on a bar. He then selected a cane from some that were hanging on the wall. There was this kind of bench as I had heard some call it. It was kind of an “A” shape and at the top is where you would bend over. This part was padded and when you bent over it you had to stand on a sort of step. This could be removed and you would be just hanging in the air and unable to move. There were little foot rests off to each side but you would still not be able to move. He told me to come over there as he was standing next to the bench. As I moved to him he started to swing the cane. He was swinging the cane and making these loud swishing sounds. He swung it again and the he hit the padded part of the bench. It made a loud, “Thwack” and I jumped a little being startled by the loudness of the sound. He sat the cane down on the bench, and turned to me and began to undress me. First my blouse and then he unbuttoned my short skirt and unzipped it letting it fall to the floor. Dack unclasped my bra and taking the blouse and bra told me to pick up my skirt and remove my panties. He took them to the bar where my purse was and then came back to where he was holding something in his hand. It was chrome and I knew it was a chastity device and he was going to put it on me. Well I was completely hard and he had to pinch me to get me soft enough to put it on. He told me that it would keep my boi clit out of harms way. Dack picked up the cane and popping the padded part of the bench told me to bend over there. I did and he told me to open my mouth and I held the cane in my mouth while he put the restraints on my wrists and tightened them real tight. Next he secured my ankles to the bench and then finally buckled a strap right across the upper part of my butt. For sure there was no turning back at this point and I was shaking more and more and I couldn’t stop.Dack took his cane from my mouth and began swing it making swishing noises as he walked in circles around me. He asked if I was scared and told me to try and calm down so I could enjoy his cane. After this last circle he moved a free standing mirror from the corner of the room and put it behind me and now looking at the mirror on the wall in front of me I could see my butt pretty good. He made a couple of circles again and then without any warning he stopped and muğla travesti escort let go 10 strokes (or cuts as he calls them) in rapid succession. Around the 4th or 5th one I let out a loud squeal and then it was over. I was huffing and puffing trying to catch my breath and trying to listen to what Dack was saying. For some reason I wasn’t ready when he stopped his latest circle and delivered a cut and then 9 more, “Swish-Twack, Swish-Twack” over and over one right after another. I let out a couple of yells of pain and then his latest attack was over. I was still trying to breathe and now snot was coming out of my nose, and I had begun to sweat even though it wasn’t very hot. But my butt was hot. Already it was a mass of heat and with the mirrors I could see the redness and knew that I would have a butt full of bruises in the morning.On the last circle he stopped and tapped my right shoulder asking if it was cramping and I tried to look in that direction and then another 10 cuts were delivered and somewhere in those cuts my tears found the way out of my eyes. With the HRT I find I cry more easily and sometimes for no reason. He circled me around and around swishing his cane and stopping every once in awhile to look at his cane or swish it back and forth and now he stopped on my left side. Dack got into position and I barely had enough time to mentally prepare for the next 10 cuts. These like the ones before came quickly in rapid succession. I noticed the cuts weren’t stinging as much but they seemed to be hurting down deep in the flesh covering my hips.I wasn’t really thinking straight at this point and I wish I could remember my thoughts going through my head. He was circling me again and it seemed like he was taking more time than the last. I knew there was more to come and I was trying to think why I was doing this, but I just can’t remember. All I can remember is the pain like something inside of each cheek. If I had to put it into words it was like a cold steel rod inside of me. I think it was just an imprint of his cane deep in my muscles. I really can’t remember a lot except that he was taking longer in this circling than at any time before, and I can remember that I resolved myself to just see this thru.He told me before that first time that he would stop if I wanted him to and all I had to say was, “No plas ultra.” I’m not really sure what that means, but if I said it he would stop and send me on my way. Then he added that if I said this that I could never contact him again for any reason, and of course he would never spank or cane me again.I could sense he was stopping again so I do remember steeling myself for what was coming next. Without saying anything he just started in. I was holding on to these grips on the bench kind of like handle bars gritting my teeth holding on for dear life during this assault. I wasn’t counting but I did know enough that he passed the 10 and pain was really starting to hurt more and more. I couldn’t get away and through my tears I let loose cries of pain as I got one cut after another. I tried to stomp my feet but I couldn’t and with the restraint across my lower back I couldn’t move out of the way. Fear gripped me and I thought I was going to die. That was the last thought until I heard myself screaming, but he just went on and on. “Oh, God. Oh, oh, please, Yeaow!” I was screaming and then suddenly I stopped. I couldn’t see as I had my eyes closed and all I could hear was the cane as it landed, “Thwack!” My body was moving a little with each cut and they just kept coming. Then suddenly nothing but the blackness and I tried to listen to see if I heard anything.Dack had stopped and was circling again. Round and round he went with that swishing from his cane. I knew I was a mess with snot running out of my nose, tears streaming down my face, and me still trying to catch my breath. “Shut up slut!” Dack ordered as he was circling. I tried to muffle my noisy state, and still around and around he went. There was no exchange between us and all I could hear was his cane swishing and his footsteps. Then he was back at my butt. I just had enough time to raise my head to see him delivering the cuts, and then one after another very quick and hard. Dack wasn’t holding back at all but hitting me in the same place over and over. My whole butt was a reddish orange color. On each check there was a bright red spot and I knew the skin was broken but there was no real bleeding. I think this was 10 but I can’t be for sure and he was still circling. I do remember that muğla türbanlı escort now when he passed in front of me his pants look black instead of the blue jean that he was wearing earlier, Without any warning he stopped and he started in again. The cuts were so fast that I can’t remember anything while they were going on, just being hit over and over, and as quickly as they began they stopped.He was still circling but the swishing had stopped. and now he was commenting on my butt. Telling me it was a fine butt now that it was properly broken in. This was the first time that I actually looked at my butt and it scared me a little to look at the damage that was done. Close to the crack were two big brick red splotches, and I could see little red rays coming out from the side of each one. I knew these were marks from the cane. On my right side I noticed a darker bluish-black area and now I could see what was causing this. The cane was bending when it cut me and the tip was hitting me causing bruising in this area.I felt his hands removing the restraints from my back and then my legs. Then he was in front of me and as he bent down I could see his face. For the first time since my caning started I could see his face. Somehow I couldn’t place this face with the pain that I just received. He had to physically help me up and then holding my arm he walked me around. He was saying something about the muscles needing to get more blood into them and some other shit, but all I remember is the pain. He took me over to the bar where my clothes were and I noticed on the other side was a small sink. It really was a small bar where you could have entertained friends or maybe had a pool table. He reached out and picked up a pair of silver hand cuffs and put them on one wrist and then pulling it behind my back attached them to my left wrist. He got a small towel and wetted it, and then like you were cleaning up a small c***d he wiped off my face and gave me a drink of water out of the faucet.I was still naked he walked me around some more and I was kind of feeling back to normal (as much as I could in my current state) and then suddenly he let go of my arm. I turned to look at him and he looked completely expressionless and pointed to the right saying, “Go stand in the corner.”I went and stood in this stupid corner for what seemed a long time. I couldn’t understand why I was doing this. I started to move but for some reason I couldn’t move. I just stood there looking at this stupid corner. It was a long time, but I was able to think about a lot of things. I thought a lot about Dack and myself and if this would turn into a relationship. I could have left the corner as Dack left the room, but for some reason I didn’t and I thought about that. After what seemed like an eternity Dack came back in the room and removed the handcuffs. He walked me back to the bar and removed the chastity device and began to clean up my butt. After he was done it felt better and was kind of cooling down a little.We went in to the living room and he told me to sit on the floor while he sat on the couch. I think he did this so that my butt wouldn’t stain the upholstery if it started to bleed. We talked about how I felt begging him in front of the people in the “Hang Zone” and what I would do if someone recognized me. Then he talked to me of the caning that I had just received. I told him how it felt inside of me and how I just shut my eyes determined to not to tell him to stop.Then he dropped the bomb on me. He asked me if I knew how many cuts I received from him? I told him I thought I had gotten 50 or 60. I thought about what you said about it being abuse and I wondered if I was sick for wanting to be abused. Dack told me that I should be proud of myself, as he gave me an even 100. I was kneeling between his legs and I had my head resting on the inside of his knee. I remember looking up at him thinking about how I felt and wondered why I should be proud of myself.I asked him about the cane and if they ever broke, and why he liked to cane girls.He told me that the cane was 38” and it was made out of rattan. The canes do break from time to time, but made from rattan they last along time and are very flexible. He confided that he enjoyed caning girls so that he could control their thoughts. Dack explained that once he had caned them and caused enough pain he would be able to train them and modify their behavior. I told him that I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he asked me if I wanted to move when I was standing in muğla vip escort the corner? I told him I did very much. Then he asked me why I didn’t. The door was closed and he was in the kitchen, and at the very least I could have just walked around looking at stuff, even that would be more exciting than just standing in the corner.Dack was rubbing my head kind of like petting a dog. He stopped and raised my face to look at him and I was hoping he would fuck me or even let me suck his cock but that didn’t happen. All he did was to point out things about me. He told me that I knew I maladjusted and that is why I wanted him to hurt me. He asked me how I felt being naked in front of him. I told him that I was embarrassed because I knew body was deformed. He asked me how I felt my body was deformed? I told him I was deformed from birth and that I had a penis instead of a vagina. I told him that after all my SRS’s I would feel better, but still I would be deformed as I didn’t have a womb, and I would still have the defects of my body such as my skeletal construction (my hips would still not be as wide as they should), but it would not be as evident to others.He then asked me why I wanted genital change when it would not be as evident like the skeleton deformity. I thought about it for a minute then I told him that it would be more evident to the one that I choose to be my lover. I told him people would group me by the way that I expressed myself sexually. We sat there for a while longer and he asked if I was ready for bed I told him I was and he led me into his bedroom. Dack told me that he had a night gown I could wear if I wanted. He pulled out this white cotton night gown that came almost all the way to the floor, and then he really surprised me. He reached down and pulled out a large dog bed from under the bed and told me to lay down. I laid down and he covered me with a blanket and then kneeling down he kissed me and told me to go to sleep. I laid there on my side so as not to cause pain to my butt.The next morning I was very sore, and Dack awoke a little before 6 and told me to go and make coffee. I figured out where everything was and brought him coffee in bed. I knelt bedside the bed and we both drank coffee and talked about last night. When he was done we went into the bathroom and he had me bend over the bathtub. Bent over the side of the tub with my hands on the bottom he lubed my ass, and then took a towel and wet it and placed it over my butt. He placed it so it covered my scabs and being wet it really soaked up the heat from my butt. He had a really hard piss proud hardon and he couldn’t wait to fuck me. It was different in this position, but he did feel good. It didn’t take him long to cum shooting his morning load deep in my ass. He just held my butt close to his body, but he didn’t go soft for some reason like most guys do after they shoot their sperm. I didn’t know what he was waiting for then I felt his cock move a little and figured he was getting ready to pull out, then I felt it deep inside of me.Strange, it began so slow and soft but rapidly grew to a strong steamy stream filling me up inside. This was one of the most unique feelings I think I had ever experienced. When he was done he left me on the toilet expelling his piss wondering how many more surprises I was going to experience at his hands.After finishing and cleaning myself up I came back to his bedroom where he had my clothes, and he told me to get dressed and then he left the room. I got dressed and just as I was finishing he came back into the room and led me to the front door. I asked if I could see him again and he told me that if he wanted to see me he would call me. Then he gave me a peck on the cheek and kind of pushed me out the door. Walking to my car I know I had been used and abused.I had an appointment with my ther****t today and after about 10 min she stopped me and asked what had changed since our last session. I asked her if I could keep it to myself not wanting to tell her. She guessed that it was a guy and I confirmed that guess, and then I asked her how she knew something had changed and she told me that since I came into her office I hadn’t stopped smiling.Dack hasn’t called me, I mean I still see him in some of my classes, and all our communication at school is strictly professional. I have thought about calling him, but that would be what he didn’t want me to so I’ll just have to be satisfied with what he has already given me. He has a awakened a need in me to give myself to someone that will hurt me.Last week I met a man that said he would spank me, but it wasn’t the same. He had me bend over a chair and he started to spank with a heavy leather belt, and then half way through the spanking he asked me if that was enough. I just stood up put my panties and skirt back on and left without saying anything to him. I’ve got to find someone that will spank me hard and not care about my feelings. To control me!