Have you ever had a moment in life where you look at a complete stranger, and your entire environment just evaporates? You can’t help but stare at the attractive individual that has unknowingly captivated you. It’s like you’re totally blind to everyone and everything else, because in that frozen moment in time, if only for a minute, they become the center of your universe. They become the shining sun in your pitch dark galaxy, and you can’t help but feel a little crestfallen because you know you’re nothing more than a lonely little planet orbiting around them. What significance do you have in the world compared to them? All you can do is steal secret glances at the most devastatingly beautiful person you have ever seen in your life. You encounter a miracle, as your heart skips a beat, indicating a resurrection after years of enduring life like the walking dead. And as taken back as you are by that phenomenon, your options are limited. Ultimately, you pray for emotional suicide, as a despairing sense of hopelessness fills your heart. Feeling numb to emotion is better than feeling an attraction that is so undeniably strong it hurts. The tragedy is that you know that person will never look at you the way you look at them. They’ll forever remain a stranger, and you will eternally remain insignificant to them. They’ll never know that you spent five minutes of your time thinking about them, thinking about all the possibilities of creating a connection. But the universe will know. The universe always knows. Perhaps they could be your one true love passing you by, or maybe they’re just a short chapter that must be written in order to complete your book of life. Either way, you have two choices; approach or walk away. You retain every smile, every laugh and expression in your short term memory, so that you can loop it in slow motion in your mind. Just like a film; you play back your favorite scene, and even though it lacks an epic soundtrack, you take care of that problem. Lay back, press play, and close your eyes. Through sheer force of will, your mind will have orchestrated a beautiful symphony that echoes a spellbinding reverie in your ear drums. It sounds so surreal, even though in reality, all you can hear is the natural noise of your surroundings; people chattering, the sound of a coffee blender, a tea cup falling to the floor, an angry customer… all it takes is one person to inspire you, and the next thing you realize is that you do have an artistic soul after all. My life is a musical in my mind, but I’m not the one singing it. I leave that to the talented artists that seem to tell my life’s story whenever I listen to their music. Lyrics can touch you, a voice can make your heart shiver, and the melody can melt even the most frozen souls. Trust. They say you need to give it to get it, but I’ve given it away one too many times. The last man I trusted almost killed me with his betrayals. How do you heal a broken heart? You don’t. It doesn’t heal. It stays mutilated inside your chest, bleeding. All you can do is learn to live, ignorant to the fact that it’s broken. At one point, you numb yourself, the lights go out, and you’re left feeling empty and hollow. You become a shell of the person you used to be. I resent who I was; so naïve and stupid. I’ll never be that way again. I’ll never let anyone in again. Ever. Not even Logan. I hate love. I hate everything it represents. It isn’t real. It doesn’t exist. For all I know, we’re all just some fucked up alien experiment. I guess those extra-terrestrial fuckers got bored and needed some entertainment. What if every gifted human that has contributed to the advancement of science and technology was abducted by aliens at some point, so that they could “put these innovative ideas” into that individual’s head? What if it was all part of their agenda to advance our technology and transition the world to a new era of mechanical domination? It doesn’t sound crazy to me, anything’s possible. I’m not trying to discredit Einstein or Alexander Bell. If you can’t prove alien existence, how can you prove God’s? You can’t. This is a Godless world we’re living in. All I want is a one way ticket on a rocket ship out of here. Destination? An uncharted planet with peaceful inhabitants that are nothing like the fucked up human race. Sex. Sex disgusts me. It’s messy and gross. Then why do I do it? Why do I casually give my body away to whoever I want? It’s just self-punishment in the end. It only adds to my self-loathing. Sometimes I want to skin myself alive and douse myself in bleach. That’s how dirty I feel after fucking a random. No matter how I envision it, I can never rid myself of these disturbing thoughts that plague my self-perception. I’m pretty sure I have a death wish. Suicide would be the easy way out. Maybe I’m an emotional masochist, sadistically torturing myself gets me off in some twisted way. What is my goal? I want to evolve. I want to become the first human being to transform into a machine. I’m the anti-thesis of Bicentennial Man; a robot who only wished to be human, journeying through his mechanical existence to become exactly that. In the end, he achieved it. If I could volunteer and be a part of some underground experiment, have my body dissected, I would—if it meant that I would stop being human. Destruction. I am destruction. I will destroy every good thing in my life because I believe I don’t deserve happiness. I will hurt people before they hurt me. Leave them before they leave me. At least that’s what the quacks have concluded. I’m every psychiatrists dream. The kind of patient that would try to seduce my shrink into having sex with me during therapy sessions. That’s what happened with the last one. He was young and hot. There was something about those black framed glasses that really turned me on. Doctor Andrew Watson; the man was engaged too. It didn’t stop me from pursuing him. The way I saw it, I was the shark, and he was the fish… I was hungry. What do you expect when you put helpless prey into a shark tank? The sex was amazing though. I wonder if he kept that desk. We definitely put it to good use. He had a thing for missionary sex and cello music. Bach was his favorite musician. I can’t even listen to classical music the same way again without remembering the way he fucked me. By the time my sessions with him were over, kocaeli escort I’m pretty sure he was in dire need of hiring his own therapist. I had to change my number so he would stop calling me. He thought he could save me, but I didn’t want to be saved. There’s a part of me that wants to believe in love. I want to believe that it is possible for someone to love me unconditionally, but it’s so hard to hold such a strong conviction when all the men in my life have proven otherwise. I’m just holding on to a dream that will never come true. The thought of watching the world combust into flames brings tears to my eyes because I find it so beautifully vindicating. Am I sick for thinking that? No, I don’t believe I am. This universe deserves an apocalypse. It honestly should have happened ages ago. Everything on this planet is corrupt and deserves to die. Love doesn’t exist. Humanity doesn’t exist. It’s all an illusion and people are masqueraders in this soap opera called “life.” If God exists, then he should have wiped us all out ages ago. I don’t belong here. Where is my place? I feel so lost. I’ve always felt lost. It’s only a matter of time before I really self-destruct. I just want to feel free. I want to be free of all this pain that’s kept me prisoner. Life is pointless. What is my purpose? I have none. Humanity is one huge fucking joke.~oOo~ I closed her diary shut and stared into space. It was a beautiful leather bound journal, but inside its pages, penned in black ink, was a battle of light vs. dark. A darkness that I was blind to because when I looked into Ava’s eyes, all I saw was light. I had no idea she was this deep. It was wrong of me to violate her privacy and read her personal thoughts, but I just couldn’t resist temptation. She was a mystery I wanted to solve. The irony in this situation was that she became even more mysterious to me. I wanted to figure her out. I wanted to know everything there was to know about her, including her past. This didn’t make me want to run in the opposite direction. Not in the least. I was in the middle of wiping the lecture board, when I heard a pair of heels clicking down the hall in haste. Speak of the devil. “Can I help you, Ms. Summers?” Those dark brown eyes expressed nothing but anxiety, as she met my gaze and stared down at the lost-and-found item on my desk. “I left something behind,” she said, walking towards her prized possession. “Ah, yes. I took the liberty of retrieving it before anyone else absconded with it.” “Absconded? Really?” she arched an eyebrow at me. “Exercising my vocabulary. You should try it.” “I’m not a walking thesaurus.” A walking sex goddess was more like it. My palms were sweaty and I wasn’t sure if I was going to lie or tell the truth if she asked me what I thought she was going to ask. Regardless, I remained calm, kept my composure, and watched her snatch the diary away. She leafed through it as if she had some supernatural ability to uncover my fingerprints. “You didn’t… did you?” “Come again?” I definitely heard her loud and clear, I was only trying to delay an answer because I needed a little more time contemplating whether to lie or tell the truth. “Did you read my diary?” Ava clarified. “Oh, is that what it is?” Liar, liar, burn in fire. I continued packing away some books into my messenger bag. “I’m going to leave now.” She appeared suspicious, slowly backing away from me. “Ava, wait,” She’s going to fucking hate me. “Listen I… I didn’t mean to, but I may have read a couple pages.” “What!?” she said it so loud that her voice echoed in my lecture hall. “I apologize. I picked it up from off the floor once everyone cleared out. It opened halfway by accident, and naturally, I got curious when I recognized your handwriting.” “I can’t believe you would violate my privacy like that!” Bloody hell, there were tears in her eyes. “Ava, please don’t cry,” I tried to get close to her, but I only seemed to repel her more. “I didn’t read all of it.” “As if that’s any better!” I really fucked up. Royally. “I’m going to quote myself, and I’m sure it will ring a bell,” she iced her tone. “I can never trust anyone. Thank you for proving me right.” I knew I had done something I could not take back, and I felt like absolute shit for breaking her trust. “Wait,” “Don’t follow me!” I stopped moving and watched her leave. Should I have prevented us from getting involved? Yes, I should’ve. But it was too late to re-do things. Even if I could’ve gone back, Ava still would’ve ended up in my bed. It was inevitable. You can only fight sexual attraction for so long before somebody eventually gives in. It felt like instinct to go after her, but she couldn’t even stand to look at me. I never felt so distressed over a woman before. This was a first for me and I certainly wasn’t used to it. Wanting to be with someone, needing to be with them, it was all new to me. She was so fragile inside. I should’ve been more cautious. Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve , I couldn’t turn back the clock.AVA I stepped out of my bedroom, swigging back a few gulps of the cheap red wine I had bought earlier. It didn’t taste great, but at least it was helping me numb shit. Lightning lit up my mundane living room, as rain hit the window panes. This was an odd occurrence because usually Toronto would be snowed in by now. A thunderstorm was just freakishly random. I loved the sound though. It represented everything that was raging inside of me. At least all that crackling electricity was able to freely escape in the sky, yet everything destructive and dangerous was just swirling around within me, waiting to explode. I sang along with Jhené Aiko and slumped down on my sofa, lighting a cigarette. She was singing one of my favorite tracks; The Worst. I had a shit ton of assignments to complete and I was about to get started on that, when my cellphone suddenly rang. I was expecting it to be Logan, but my mom’s picture appeared under the caller ID. I immediately pressed ignore and carelessly dropped my phone on the table. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. We just weren’t close anymore. Our relationship was way too damaged. I always felt like she didn’t give a shit about me. Her constant phone calls contradicted my beliefs, but there’s a difference between checking if someone is still alive and actually kocaeli escort bayan being there for them. I might’ve been crappy girlfriend material, but I was always a great daughter and sister. I went above and beyond for my family, and in return, I always got treated like shit. I was so done with living up to that expectation. Inhaling a smoggy cloud of nicotine, I grabbed the black marker that was on top of my coffee table and stood up. I made my way towards the wall across from me and stared at it. It was covered in quotes, proses, ideas, and rants. Basically everything and anything that I was feeling, I jotted down and decorated the walls with my craziness in text format. Call it Ava’s cultic scripture. “If you can’t conform to society’s norms, you’re as good as dead.” I wrote it down on an empty area on the wall and read it over in my mind. Everything in this life was an illusion. I just wanted out. I wanted to escape this miserable world. Nothing made me happy. I was tired of acting. The other night I dreamed that I was standing on a skyscraper, and I jumped into the street, free falling. All I had to do was believe that I wouldn’t die, and I began to land in slow motion. There wasn’t a single scratch on me. I managed to make myself go back in reverse and make that same jump, just to be sure that I could do it again. And sure enough, I landed safely once more. I was almost tempted to test out this theory, even though I knew I would splatter like red mush on the street.LOGAN I tried calling her, texting her, emailing, she didn’t want to speak to me. Should I have left her alone for the evening? That would’ve been the sensible thing to do, but I just couldn’t sleep knowing that I had hurt her. I lay in bed staring at my ceiling when I heard my cellphone vibrate. Text from Ava: Urr an asssshole Was she drunk? For fuck’s sake, not again. I had been labeled many names in life, and “asshole” was certainly on the list; arrogant asshole, to be precise. I wasn’t mad. In fact, all I could feel was relief because she finally contacted me. Opening the line of communication with an insult was better than the silent treatment. Text from me: I know, Ava. I’m sorry. Text from Ava: Stppp apolgizzing Text from me: Where are you? I had to make sure she wasn’t at some bar getting herself into trouble because of me. Text from Ava: Homne drnnkng sme winnee :D… oopps 4got pillz too. hedachhe I was about to text her, but decided I’d call instead. Her phone rang, and rang. She wasn’t picking up. Text from me: Pick up your damn phone. Text from Ava: Dnt wanna tlk 2 u! pissedd!! K Right, this was going to be harder than I thought. Text from me: Ava, let me call you. I can hardly make sense of what you’re writing. That wasn’t true, but I just wanted to hear her voice. An entire minute almost went by and she still hadn’t responded, so I decided to call her again. Surprisingly, she picked up right away this time. “What is it that you want, professor?” her speech was slightly slurred, but she sounded relaxed. “Where are you? I hear music.” She giggled and answered, “I told you, I’m at home.” “What pills did you take and how many?” I got up from bed and started pacing around my window in the darkness. “Relaaaaax, jeez… not suicidal… took Advil.” “How many?” “Are you my doctor now?” “I’m worried about you. I’ve been bloody worried all evening.” “Look, professor, I like you and all, but you really need to stop obsessing over me. I know I’m amazing in bed, and you’re not too bad yourself, but…” “Ava, quit messing around with me. I’m being serious.” She was a feisty one, and I liked that about her, but she really did frustrate the fuck out of me. “So am I, which is why I’ve decided to drop your class.” “What?” I shouted into the phone. “You can’t do that, you need this class. I’m the only one teaching it.” “I don’t care.” “You can’t just jeopardize your academic future to penalize me. I feel terrible and horribly guilty for invading your privacy, but if it makes you feel any better, I was blown away by your words…” “Stop.” “Ava, listen to me,” “Shut up!” She screamed. “Just stop!” I heard a sniffle on the other end. She was crying. This girl was a lot more sensitive than she let on. “Don’t sabotage everything just to get back at me. I’m not worth it.” “I know you’re not.” Hearing her reaffirm what I said made me feel worse about myself. “I just can’t sit in your lecture hall anymore. We’ve crossed too many lines and remaining professional is just impossible when you keep staring at me like you want to fuck me.” “I do not stare at you like some sex object!” I argued. “I’ll have someone else supervise your dissertation paper, just don’t drop my class. I won’t let you.” “You don’t want to fight me on this, Professor Wesley. You will regret it.” I didn’t take her threats seriously. If she wanted to file a sexual harassment suit against me, she would’ve done it long ago. I knew her pretty well by now. This was Ava’s way of making me back off. She would push and push until the bereaved party would walk away. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. “Don’t’ do anything impulsive,” I tried to reason with her. “Give this some serious thought, please.” “I have. I’m switching majors, so I don’t need to take your stupid class.” She was being destructive and I understood why; losing a loved one was not an easy thing to go through. “Let me come see you.” “No, we both know what happens when we’re alone together.” I exhaled loudly and thrust my fingers through my hair in frustration. “Ava, I’m not going to have sex with you, I just want to talk.” I listened to her breathing, and then she unexpectedly broke down. “I didn’t go to her funeral. I’m such a horrible granddaughter. I’m a horrible person.” “You’re not. Don’t say that about yourself.” Ava quickly tried to compose herself. “I’m sorry, I’m just drunk. I don’t normally…” She suddenly cursed out loud and the music cut off in the background. “Everything alright?” “My power just went out.” She cried out in pain and then I heard something break. “Ow, I just stubbed my toe!” “Don’t move.” “I need to find the candles—fucking glass!” “Ava, don’t move,” I commanded. “You’re intoxicated at the moment. You’re going to get glass in your foot if you move around in izmit escort the darkness—and I don’t want you playing with matches.” “I’m not going to burn down my apartment, Logan,” she sounded annoyed with me. “And I’m not going to step on the glass. It’s just a broken bottle. I knocked it over by accident.” “Please let me see you so that we can talk.” “We’re already talking,” she laughed. “I meant face to face, you know, it’s what two adults do when they’re trying to have a proper conversation.” The woman was driving me mad with her stubbornness. “We’re already having a proper conversation—minus my slurred speech, which I don’t think is that noticeable.” “It’s noticeable,” I assured her. I actually liked the way her voice sounded while heavily under the influence. Alcohol kind of toned down the attitude, if only by a miniscule amount. “Give me your address, I’m coming over.” “Stop trying to be a hero and try to understand the fact that I am beyond infuriated with you.” “You had the entire evening to stew in your anger, it’s been well over six hours, and you’re still mad at me?” “Do I need to remind you about what you did?” At this rate, we weren’t going to get anywhere with our back and forth bickering. “No need for reminders, but don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?” “Overreacting!?” Bloody hell, wrong word, wrong time to say it. “You read my diary! My personal experiences!” she conveyed in outrage. “Yes, and I’ve seen you naked and have made love to you…” “That’s not as intimate as my private thoughts!” “You’re kidding me right?” I looked out the window and wondered why in God’s name it was raining cats and dogs in the middle of winter. “A naked body is just a naked body,” she explained, “and sex organs are just sex organs. There’s nothing personal or intimate about what we did with our clothes off.” No, that wasn’t true. I couldn’t believe that explanation, especially after reading what I did about her. “Why are you so afraid to show your softer side?” I asked. “Because I don’t even have a soft side! Quit trying to know me on a deeper level, and just give up already!” I sat down on the edge of my bed and watched the lightning flash every five seconds. “Alright, answer me this then, why won’t you let me see you?” “Because I’ll try and take advantage of you.” I snickered under my breath. “You’re the one who’s drunk. How could you possibly take advantage of me? I’m twice your size and let’s not forget the fact that I’m one hundred percent sober.” “If you come here, we’ll just end up fucking. I know we will,” Ava sounded so sure of herself. “Stop trying to bend my motives. I don’t want to see you for a quick romp in the sack.” “I don’t think you understand what I’m saying to you.” “Well, considering the fact that I’m quite educated in the English language, and a highly esteemed intellectual, I can argue my case and say that I comprehend what you are communicating to me just fine, thank you.” “I’m hanging up the phone now, Logan.” Oh, fuck me, come on! Stop being so difficult woman! I raged in my head. “Ava, wait…” But all I got was the dial tone. Feeling defeated, I stood up and walked into my living room to fix myself a glass of whiskey. Once I returned to my bedroom, my cellphone vibrated. Text from Ava: 1670 Yonge and Eglinton. Unit
06 I was surprised she was able to text me a proper address (hopefully it was). Without wasting time, I quickly dressed myself, grabbed my keys, and left.~oOo~ It was midnight on the dot when I reached Ava’s apartment. I was somewhat drenched, due to the lengthy walk from the parking lot. My hair and coat was wet. The lights in the hallway were on, which meant the power was restored, and I could hear soft music playing from inside her unit. Taking a deep breath first, I braced myself for an explosive argument and knocked three times. I wasn’t sure why I cared so much about her. It threw me even more to know that I spent so much of my days thinking about Ava. I had been with many women, and I hadn’t shown this much interest to any of them. Not like the way I was interested in her. The door finally opened and I was shockingly stunned. I wasn’t expecting her to greet me half naked. She was wearing a red lace push up bra and matching panties. Her hair was wild and seductive and there were faint mascara-track marks under her eyes. “Took you long enough.” Ava turned around, leaving the door open so I could step inside. “Welcome to my crappy crib.” I didn’t care for her lack of taste in home décor. How could anyone afford to hire an interior designer on a student salary? The walls were a dull cream color, and her flat was small with limited furniture; coffee table, a sofa, some lamps, and no dining table. My eyes quickly locked target on her sexy arse. That lace fabric definitely clung to those cheeks so flawlessly. All her lights were on, and her kitchen and living room were covered in tea light candles that had presumably been blown out before I arrived. “The power came back like five minutes ago.” “I’m impressed that you haven’t burnt down the building.” “Very funny.” She scowled at me. “Is that why you came here? Where’s your fire hoze? Wait, don’t answer that. It’s in your pants.” “Now who’s being humorous?” I smiled. “If you want to be a firefighter, professor, all you have to do is quit your day job and switch professions. I’m sure you’d even make the calendar with that hot bod of yours.” “Not a chance.” I took off my coat and asked, “Where’s your closet?” “I don’t have one. Look around you, this isn’t exactly the best accommodations I’m living in.” She lay down on her tattered sofa and lit a cigarette. I took off my shoes and hung my coat over a chair before I walked towards her. “I thought I told you to quit.” I snatched the fag out of her hand and put it out in the ashtray. “Hey! That was my last one! You’ve got a lot of nerve, know that?” she fumed. “You’re in my space now, which means you’re in no position to boss me around. We’re not in your boring classroom.” “So you find my lectures boring now?” I folded my arms in my chest. “Yes, you spend too much time discussing all these topics that make people fall asleep. I suggest you fast forward to the good stuff next semester.” “And yet I haven’t caught you snoring with your head down on your desk. Not once.” I flashed a smug smile. “I guess that means my lectures aren’t that bad after all.” “That’s because I’ve been zoning out and fantasizing a hundred different ways to fuck you.” “Are you down to fifty by now at least?” “Not even close.” I laughed and studied her for a moment.