“I can’t believe you didn’t get your hair cut. You look so sloppy. Thank God these people are strangers otherwise they’d think I was the world’s worst mother.” The distaste on my mom’s face was the look I’d grown up with since I could remember.
“Leave him alone, Vera. We need to get on the road so we can get home before it gets too late. I want to play golf in the morning.” My dad set the last box down and addressed my mom, not sparing a look for me.
“After church? Because we’re going to church. Mary is gossiping about me because you haven’t been coming to morning services lately.” She turned and walked into the hallway without a hug or even saying goodbye, not that I was surprised.
My dad rolled his eyes and nodded towards me while holding out his hand with some cash in it. I took the money and then he turned and left without a word. I was relieved and sad.
I sat on the bed in my dorm room and looked at my suitcases and boxes. I glanced across the room at the empty bed. I wondered what my roommate would be like. I prayed he wasn’t a jock.
It was the 29th of August, 1992. I had graduated from high school in June and now I was starting school at a state university about four hours from home and far away from everything I knew.
A tiny part of me was excited to be somewhere different and starting a new life where no one knew me. But the biggest part of me was terrified out of my mind. Terrified was pretty much my default state.
In Cary Duffy. I’m eighteen and very small for my age. I was only five foot five inches and a little over a hundred pounds. My brown hair was shaggy, just like my mom said. I let it hang over my blue eyes to hide as much of myself as possible.
Before I did any other unpacking, I opened the duffle bag with my clothes in it and pulled out what I really wanted to wear and not what my mom wanted me to wear. I was currently in brand new, stiff khaki slacks and a garish red sweatshirt with the university logo on it.
My mom had insisted I wear this shirt after she bought it for me. I looked like such a poser in it while moving into the dorm along with a herd of other underclassmen. I took it off and planned on burning it later.
I pulled on an old t-shirt with Black Flag on the front. I changed into baggy faded jeans and pulled on my oxblood eight hole docs. I felt so much better in these clothes.
I picked up the money my dad had given me and slid it into my wallet, which I attached to my pants with a short chain. Dad had given me a hundred and sixty dollars.
My room and board was all paid for, so this was guilt money, as I called it. He said it was for things like a Coke from McDonald’s or a new poster for my wall. Even though my mom was the one concerned with what everyone thought of us, my dad was nearly as bad. He couldn’t have his kid come across as poor or needy.
He’d given me a gas card before we left home and basically threatened me he’d cut it off if I abused it. He was a total control freak. He’d even driven my car down to school while my mom followed in the Mercedes-Benz. I had to ride with him even though I’d been driving that car since January.
He wouldn’t let me listen to my tapes, calling my music screeching and screaming. If he bothered to listen to Morrissey, he’d hear that beautiful silky voice, which was far from screaming. Instead he tuned in to an AM station that was broadcasting old-man talk radio for the whole four hour drive.
At least I had my own car here at school with me. I knew it was a big privilege having a new car and the fact they let me bring it with me. My mom hadn’t wanted me to take the car but my dad reminded her that they wouldn’t have to drive down here to get me for the holidays and she relented.
Me having the car was more convenient for them. It was the only reason they had bought it for me in the first place. I was in theater and I had a job back in high school. They bought me a car so they didn’t have to leave the house and pick me up all the time.
It was a ’91 Beretta in dark blue. I wanted black, but this was better than the gold my mom wanted me to get. Luckily the gold one was more expensive because of the spoiler and other accessories, so Dad said no to that one, thankfully. Not that he couldn’t afford it.
I knew not everyone’s family could afford to buy their teenager a twelve thousand dollar car, so I just stayed quiet until I was actually handed the keys. I lived the entire last semester of high school with it being dangled over my head. If I so much as looked at my mom wrong, I would have had it taken away.
I felt free now. They couldn’t see what I was wearing or hear what I was listening to. As long as my grades stayed at a B average or better and I got a job, they’d ignore me.
I started to unpack my bags and hang stuff in my half of the closet. I put my underwear and socks in a drawer. I found my stereo first though. I popped in the newest album from The Cure and hit play on the CD player. I had wanted to go to the porno 64 Wish Tour this summer but it didn’t pan out because I had no one to go with.
My best friend in high school was a geeky girl named Sarah. She went to a music camp and I was alone all summer. It was a bummer and I shrank further into my “dark phase” as my Dad called it. My mother had a far less flattering name for it.
I had thought my senior year summer was going to be fun and filled with concerts and even a few underground raves. But instead, it was a lot of working at the Walgreens and sitting in my room writing.
With that thought in mind, I pulled out my trusty portable Brother typewriter and set it up on my desk. I found the box with my other daisy wheels and extra ink and eraser cartridges. I put it in the top drawer with my pens and Mead notebook.
I was putting away my extra bed sheets when I heard a key in the door. I froze and tried not to spaz out. I wanted to hide in the closet or under the bed but it was too late. Oh god.
I stood stock still while a loud family piled into the room. A woman, who I had to assume was the mom, spotted me first and traced her eyes over me from head to toe and back up again. She looked less than impressed.
Luckily two young girls pushed in behind her breaking her stare. Before I knew it, a mom, a dad and four kids filled the space. The noise quickly drowned out my music so I inched over to the stereo and paused the CD.
Within seconds I was the focus of all six people. The oldest looking girl moved towards me and was hugging me before I could react. Why was she touching me?
“I’m Martha, you must be my brother’s new roommate!” She stepped back and I tried to smile because I knew that would be the normal thing to do.
“Paul Martinez. This is my wife Hortensia. You met Martha, my eldest. This is Daniel, Alyssa and Isabel.” The dad vigorously shook my hand. He was a big, strong man. He was also a bit on the scary side.
“I’m Cary.”
I looked at Daniel, he was the only boy, so he must be the roommate. He was bigger than me, but he seemed the quiet type. I imagine having three sisters might have something to do with that. He glanced around the room and then down at the floor.
I finally got through the introductions and offered to help carry boxes in from the car. Paul assured me that he had enough kids to get everything in one more trip. I sat on my bed, up against the wall, as far back as possible. I crossed my legs and pulled a magazine into my lap to make myself look busy.
The chaos surrounded me for another hour. Daniel’s mom was by far the most frightening woman I’d spent this much time in one room with, other than my own mother. She ordered all four kids around until Daniel’s things were all unpacked.
After the craziness calmed, Alyssa sat on the corner of my bed because everywhere else was already full of people. Paul hugged his son and said something to him in Spanish. Hortensia crushed him in a hug while wailing like a movie character. It was over the top.
With a final glare at me, Daniel’s mom thankfully left the room followed by the two youngest.
Martha reached out to me so I shook her hand. “Take care of Dan. He’s a good guy.” She smiled at me and then she was gone.
Paul ushered her out into the hall. “You boys be good. Don’t have too much fun.” He exited after that dad joke and the door closed behind him. I was alone with Daniel. It was already super weird.
He sat on his bed and looked around the room. He looked like I must have after my parents left. But his family was so different from mine. His mom cried and his dad told him he was proud of him whereas mine just left, finally free of me.
“I hope you don’t mind that I took this side.” I spoke to the bedspread more than to Daniel.
“You were here first. It’s fine. I probably would have picked this side if I’d been here first anyway. It’s Cary, right? Like Cary Grant?”
“Yeah, like Cary Grant.” He was the only other man anyone knew named Cary. I had been asked that same question dozens of times in my life. That and “isn’t that a girl’s name?”. I’d gotten good at not rolling my eyes at either question.
“I’m Dan, but you probably already knew that. My sister’s talk so much. Oh and, sorry about my mom. She’s a little intense, but that’s a Mexican mom for you.” He seemed nervous as he babbled.
“You missed my mom. She’s intense in a different way. She’s the condescending white bitch kind of intense. It’s just as bad.”
“Glad I missed her.” His words were emphasized by his comedic delivery.
I laughed. I never laughed around new people. I barely laughed at all. I didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
“Do you know what you’re studying yet?” Dan asked as he unpacked his backpack. He pulled out some CDs and magazines. They all looked familiar, which was a relief. We seemed to have similar taste in music.
“Writing. Not sure if I’m going into journalism or creative writing of some porno izle kind. I just want to write.”
“That’s cool. I’m just in general studies right now but I think I’m going to get a business degree of some kind. I don’t want to mow lawns for my dad forever.”
“He’s a landscaper?”
“Yeah, he and my uncle own their own business. He makes good money and supports our family but he works so hard, outside every day, year round. I don’t want to be a Mexican laborer like all the men in my family.”
I just nodded. I knew what he meant, but from the other side. We had a landscaping company do our lawn and my mom called them all “spicks” or “those Mexicans”. It grossed me out. She’d flip if she knew I was roommates with a Martinez. That thought made me smile to myself.
Dan was a quiet person, like I suspected. We both did our own thing and listened to my music since I had the only stereo between us. He only had a CD Walkman. Luckily he claimed he loved The Cure.
My stomach growled a few hours later. I realized I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was now nearly four thirty in the afternoon. I let out a huge breath and pushed away my nerves.
“Do you want to check out the cafeteria?”
Dan’s head came up from his book and he stared at me for a second, like he didn’t understand. He finally answered. “Yeah, I know where it is. I visited the campus a couple of times last year.”
“It’s close, right? We can walk?”
“Yeah, real close. We’d have to walk even if it wasn’t. It’s not like there’s a bus to catch on campus.”
“I have a car.”
“You have a car! Oh my god, that’s awesome. We should go off campus and get something good instead of cafeteria food.” He smiled at me brightly.
“Um, okay.” I still needed to know how to get to the cafeteria from here, but I guess I’d figure that out later.
“I’m going to change and then we can go. I’ll be right back.” He jumped up and left the room with some clothes in hand.
When Dan came back from the bathroom, he was dressed like a skater. His shirt was huge and hung nearly to his knees over his extremely baggy pants. He wore checkered Vans and an ankh necklace. We looked like we belonged at the Denny’s together.
“Let’s roll.” He stood and watched me expectantly.
I grabbed my keys and followed him out of the room. I’m not sure what I expected, but meeting someone like me, and being kind of comfortable with him so quickly, wasn’t it. I felt relieved more than anything else.
We ended up at a sub sandwich place that Dan insisted was really popular with the college kids. It was empty right now, so I guess I had to take his word for it.
We ordered food and I started to understand the appeal. Our subs were huge and really cheap. The old guy behind the counter was super nice, even to us weirdos. Once I bit into my sandwich everything became clear. It was incredibly delicious!
Dan and I talked about music as we ate our food. He really did like a lot of the same stuff as me. He loved The Cure, The Smiths and XTC. He also liked Cracker and L7. It was a nice overlap.
“I’ve never really listened to Black Flag. You’ll have to play it for me sometime.”
“They broke up, but I love their old stuff.” What I didn’t say was that I’d gotten into them because I thought Henry Rollins was the sexiest man I’d ever seen.
I was not out of the closet. Sarah knew, but she was the only one. I’d had a crush on my kindergarten teacher, Mr. Redmond, and then it was all guys for me after that.
There was an older obviously gay man that came into the Walgreens all the time where I worked. He bought Camels and Clearly Canadian strawberry nearly every other day. He always looked at me like he knew my secret.
My coworkers would talk about him as soon as he left the store. They’d say he had AIDS and that he was a pervert. My boss called him “Chester the molester”.
The customer was always nice, but it didn’t matter to anyone at my store. He was different and therefore the target of their ignorance. Luckily they didn’t do it to his face. But I’m sure he knew anyway somehow. It kept my closet locked up tight. I was terrified of being found out.
At that thought, I looked over at Dan. He seemed nice enough, but what if he found out he was living with a fag? Would he turn on me and kick my ass, or worse? I just didn’t know and I hoped I never would.
Finished with our food, we got up to leave the sub shop. I noticed a “Help Wanted” sign in the window as we exited. As I unlocked the car, I saw a gorgeous guy walking towards the shop. He was over six feet, brown hair with pretty eyes that I couldn’t see well enough to identify the color.
He seemed like an upperclassman and probably super popular. He looked kind of preppy. But he was hot. Oh my god.
I sat in the driver seat and watched as the tall guy walked through the shop and then behind the counter. He pulled on an apron and then he disappeared into the back.
He worked there. They were hiring. sex izle I needed a job. It hit me. “I’m going to get an application. I’ll be right back.” I climbed out of my car and headed back inside. The older guy happily gave me an application. I thanked him and returned to Dan in the car.
“I’m going to apply for a job too. Not here, somewhere on campus.” Dan said as we backed out of the parking spot. I just nodded along, like usual.
The next morning we walked to the cafeteria together for breakfast. Dan chatted easily as we made our way back to the dorm. He pointed out everything he knew about the campus.
“That’s the rec center. It’s a fun place to study and there’s pool tables. Christine took me there when I visited her last year.”
“It’s she your girlfriend? Does she go here?”
“No, she’s my cousin. She graduated last year, so she’s not here anymore. I don’t have a girlfriend right now. What about you?”
“What about me?” I sounded more suspicious than I meant to.
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No. My best friend is a girl but we didn’t date.”
“Why, is she fat?”
“No, and it wouldn’t matter if she was.” I snapped at him. “She’s like my sister. I couldn’t imagine kissing her. She’s very pretty though.”
“I have four sisters, so I can imagine. I don’t have anything against fat people. That didn’t come out right.” He sounded a little sheepish which made me feel awkward.
“Wait, four sisters?”
“Yeah, the youngest, Sophia, stayed at home with my tia.” He noticed my confusion. “It’s Spanish for aunt.”
“Sorry, I took German in high school. Stupidest decision ever.” Why did I say any of that? God, I was weird.
Dan just chuckled at me which made me feel better instead of worse. It was different from being around anyone I’d ever met. Maybe it was because I’d been in school with the same people since I was six. This was the fresh start I wanted, I had to remind myself.
Sunday was over far too soon and school was starting bright and early on Monday. My first class was creative writing, so I got up and got ready, feeling excited while also being terrified.
My professor was an odd middle aged lady, but she was also kind of cool. She was really excited about the subject and I looked forward to learning from her.
As class ended, she made an announcement. “Don’t forget, we’re looking for writers for the school’s newspaper, specifically the arts section. Think about it everyone.” The period ended just as she finished.
I followed the other students up the stairs and out into the hall. I overheard a few older students talking.
“That newspaper is so terrible, I can’t believe she wants us to consider writing for it. I want to write for the underground paper, The Gas. It’s gotten so big over the last two years. I hope it’s back.”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Another classmate asked the first guy.
“No one knows who publishes it. They might have graduated. It’s really underground, it doesn’t just say that. It actually is.”
“Oh yeah, it’s awesome. They had the best articles and stuff last year. I saved all my copies. I loved how it was on different colored paper all the time.” A third student added in.
“That’s because it’s self-published. Whoever runs it must be so relevant. That’s so cool.” They started to sound lame, so I stopped following them and headed back to the dorm.
“How was writing?” Dan asked as soon as I entered the room.
“Good. Don’t you have class?”
“Not until this afternoon. I purposely didn’t take any early classes on Mondays.”
“Your cousin who went here, did she ever talk about an underground paper called The Gas?” I asked as I sat on my bed.
“Yeah, I saw it when I visited her. It was on pink paper and had really amazing artwork. It was only a few pages but she was really excited about it when it showed up in the rec center.”
“What do you mean it showed up in the rec center?”
“She said it just appeared there every two weeks and once the stack was gone, they were gone. I looked at the album reviews while she fixed her hair to go out that night.”
“How was that? The album reviews?”
“It was music I liked, which surprised me. The reviewer clearly knew his stuff and didn’t kiss anyone’s ass just to please people.”
Even without having seen it, I hoped it did get published again this year. It sounded cool. I had another class, so I left the dorm and dropped off my application at the sandwich shop before it started.
Dan and I survived the first week of school. It was so different from high school, but my classes were all strangely easy. I knew my high school was considered a very good one, but I seemed to be over prepared. Most of my classes were further behind than I’d been last year.
My English class was a total joke. We were assigned a paper. We could write about anything we wanted. We didn’t have to get our topic approved by the professor or anything.
In my accelerated English class in high school, my teacher was a hard ass. We had to write a paper comparing two totally different works and we had to have our topic approved. If it wasn’t a narrow enough focus, he’d send you away to figure it out before he’d approve anything.